No More Faking It: The End of Performative Sex

Sex is supposed to be spontaneous, passionate, frequent, and flawless…right? At least, that’s what the dominant societal script tells us. Whether it comes from media, religion, porn, or cultural norms, many of us absorb an idea of sex that feels more like performance than connection.

Whether you are queer, neurodivergent, non-monogamous, or trauma-impacted you might find that these scripts/expectations often don’t fit. And yet, they still shape how we judge ourselves and our relationships. You might find yourself asking questions like…

• “Am I too much?”

• “Am I not enough?”

• “Why can’t I just want sex the way I’m supposed to?”

  
  

Let’s say this plainly: You are not broken. But the script might be.

Where the Scripts Come From

Sexual scripts aren’t just personal—they’re cultural. Many of us were taught that:

• Sex equals penetration.

• Sex should always lead to orgasm (and follow a specific order).

• Wanting sex is good—but only under certain conditions.

• There’s a right amount of sex to be having in a “healthy” relationship.

• If you don’t want sex, there must be something wrong with you—or your partner(s).

  
  

These ideas often erase important realities: asexuality, trauma histories, sensory needs, gender dysphoria, neurodiversity, and the ways identity and desire evolve over time. They flatten sex into a one-size-fits-all act and reduce intimacy to a checklist.

Reclaiming Desire as Something That Belongs to You

Reclaiming desire doesn’t mean just “getting your libido back.” It means redefining what intimacy and connection mean to you, on your terms. That might look like:

• Exploring what kinds of touch feel affirming (and what doesn’t).

• Learning how your nervous system responds to closeness, arousal, and vulnerability.

• Naming preferences without judgment or pressure.

• Honoring fluidity—your wants can (and will) change…that’s not a failure.

  
  

Sometimes this means grieving the story you thought sex was “supposed to” follow. Sometimes it means discovering new language, practices, or ways of relating that finally feel like you.

Sex as Collaboration, Not Performance

When we move away from performance, sex becomes less about “doing it right” and more about being with... with your partner(s), with yourself, with your body. Intimacy becomes something co-created—not something achieved.

Some questions to explore with yourself or with your partner(s):

• What feels good in my body right now?

• What am I hoping to feel or express through sex or touch?

• What supports me in staying present and grounded?

• How can we stay connected even if our needs or responses are different?

  
  

You Don’t Have to Fit the Script. You Can Rewrite It.

In therapy, we can explore the stories you’ve been told about sex and intimacy and begin to write new ones rooted in your truth, not in performance. You deserve a relationship with your desire that feels spacious, self-directed, and real. If you want to unpack these stories in a space that honors your truth, reach out—I’d be honored to walk alongside you.