When I first heard of the Five Love Languages, I thought I’d found a missing piece of the relationship puzzle. It gave words to feelings I’d struggled to explain and helped me understand why some connections felt so solid while others felt...off. But as helpful as it was, there was always this nagging feeling that these languages weren’t quite enough. Similar feelings of frustration have been brought up by the folks that I work with, particularly in my work with queer and non-monogamous folks. Time and time again, people are left feeling that their experiences don’t fit into the neat boxes of the original framework. They say things like, “I don’t really care about gifts—I need someone who can just sit with me when things feel overwhelming” or “The most important thing for me is feeling like my identity is respected.” It became clear that the original Five Love Languages don’t seem to leave room for the realities of their lives and relationships.
So why are more and more people questioning the famous Five Love Languages? As Anna Hodder-Shipp outlines in their book Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love, the original Five Love Languages framework was developed by a cisgender, straight, white man with strong religious connection and influence, who felt these languages were simply intuitive to all couples. Sure, his ideas resonated with many, but ultimately his concepts reflect a particular worldview rooted in traditional, heteronormative relationships. This limited lens has left many people, especially those in marginalized communities, feeling like their experiences are invisible or misunderstood.
In contrast, Anne Hodder-Shipp, a queer sex educator, brings a fresh and inclusive perspective. Her work recognizes the diversity of human connection, honoring identities and experiences that fall outside of mainstream norms. This shift makes the framework in Speaking from the Heart profoundly more relevant for individuals whose lives and relationships are shaped by intersectionality, marginalization, or non-traditional dynamics. By reframing love languages through this broader lens, Hodder-Shipp has created a guide that truly acknowledges and celebrates the complexities of love for all people. Their book, Speaking from the Heart: 18 Languages for Modern Love feels like such a revelation. It doesn’t just expand the list; it shifts the whole narrative. It acknowledges that love and connection are complex, nuanced, and deeply personal.
A New Way to Talk About Love and Relationship for ALL People
The book introduces 18 love languages—I know 18 sounds like a lot! At first, that number might seem overwhelming, but as I worked my way through them (with the help of some fantastic illustrations), it all started to click. These weren’t abstract or overly academic ideas; they were the very things I’ve been hearing from clients, friends, partners, and queer people alike for years.
Take Attunement: being deeply present and listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk. Or Recognition: affirming someone’s identity and the effort they’ve put into embracing it. Then there’s Authenticity, the courage to show up as your true self. For queer individuals, this goes beyond love—it’s survival. Many of the people I work with have shared painful stories of hiding parts of themselves out of fear of rejection or judgment. To see authenticity acknowledged and celebrated as a love language felt groundbreaking. This language is a necessity to queer folks–it’s a way of validating the depth and beauty of showing up fully in our relationships. These concepts felt like they named experiences that so many of us understand on an intuitive level but have never had the words to articulate as “love languages” with our partners.
Being Seen in Your Queer and Non-Traditional Relationships
The original five love languages assume a kind of universality that doesn’t always hold up, especially for LGBTQ+ folks and people in non-traditional relationships. Love and connection for these communities often come with unique challenges and joys that don’t fit neatly into categories like Words of Affirmation or Acts of Service.
Take Protection, one of the 18 new languages. For queer individuals, especially those who’ve faced discrimination or violence, creating a safe emotional and physical environment is absolutely essential for partnership. Or Play, which prioritizes lightness, and fun in a relationship. In a world that can be relentlessly heavy, especially for marginalized communities, finding joy together isn’t frivolous; it’s healing.
And Recognition—this one feels essential in my own life. Imagine someone who sees all of you—not just the parts that are easy to love, but the messy, complicated, beautiful whole person. For queer and non-monogamous people navigating coming out, affirming gender, or negotiating non-traditional relationships, recognition can feel like a lifeline in a relationship.
Why We Must Embrace the New 18 Love Languages
See the 18 love languages in Speaking from the Heart aren’t just more inclusive—they’re more accurate. They reflect the ways people actually love and need to be loved. They acknowledge that relationships are shaped by context, identity, and history. Most importantly, they honor the reality that no two connections are alike.
After really utilizing this framework for some time, I see now how this expanded framework has opened up new possibilities for understanding and communicating one’s needs more accurately. It’s given people permission to say, “This is what love looks like for me,” even if it doesn’t fit into a traditional mold.
For queer and non-monogamous individuals especially, this kind of flexibility isn’t just freeing—it’s validating. It says, Your love deserves adequate and expansive language because your love and needs matter.
If you’ve ever felt constrained by the original five love languages or struggled to make them fit your relationships, this book might just change the way you think about love. It’s not just a guide—it’s a celebration of the vast, beautiful, messy ways we connect with one another.
And isn’t that what love is supposed to be?
The 18 Love Languages at a Glance
Attunement: Deep listening and emotional presence.
Authenticity: Honesty and vulnerability in relationships.
Celebration: Acknowledging milestones and achievements.
Challenge: Encouraging growth and self-improvement.
Companionship: Sharing time and space together.
Emotional Expression: Openly sharing feelings and affirmations.
Encouragement: Inspiring confidence and support.
Engagement: Participating in shared passions and activities.
Nurturing: Providing care and comfort.
Play: Finding joy and humor together.
Protection: Creating a secure environment.
Recognition: Validating identity and individuality.
Respect: Honoring autonomy and boundaries.
Responsibility: Demonstrating reliability and care.
Shared Values: Aligning on beliefs and goals.
Support: Offering practical help and resilience.
Touch: Physical affection that respects boundaries.
Understanding: Seeking to deeply know your partner’s perspective.
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