Dating While Sober

“Want to get a drink sometime?”

It makes sense that this is often the go-to way to ask somebody out; alcohol and other drugs can lower inhibitions, act as a social lubricant, and temporarily make us feel more confident and less anxious (it’s called liquid courage for a reason!). But what if you’re not drinking? Many people find it awkward or intimidating to step into the dating pool after quitting alcohol. Although it can be a daunting step to take, there are plenty of ways to make it an easier and perhaps even enjoyable experience.

Whether you’re sober, sober-curious, or just trying to drink less, these tips may come in handy while trying to get to know someone new. Though this blog is framed through the lens of alcohol use and drinking, these strategies can be helpful for folks who are sober from other substances, as well. 

• Identify your triggers. Before starting to date, it’s important to know your biggest triggers and consider how you might avoid or respond to them. For example: if you know that feeling rejected is a drinking trigger, how might you respond if somebody says they don’t want to continue seeing you? If anxiety is a trigger, what could you do instead of drinking to manage first date jitters? Being aware of your major triggers and having a plan for them before they occur can make it easier to respond to them in ways that align with your values.

• Think about your disclosure. You get to decide what, when, and how much to share about your decision to not use substances. You don’t have to tell anybody the nitty gritty details behind your decision to stop, but you also don’t have to treat your sobriety like a secret to be ashamed of. For some people, it can be helpful to share about being sober upfront in order to get the conversation out of the way and weed out people who consider it a dealbreaker. For others, it may feel more beneficial to wait until you feel comfortable with a person before you share this with them. Only you know when it feels right for you.

• Consider alternative date ideas. Sober dating is a great opportunity to get creative! Instead of going to a bar, what about meeting for ice cream or coffee? Invite your date on a hike or visit a museum. You could try thrifting together, going for a walk, visiting an animal shelter, taking a class, attending a concert/movie/comedy show…the opportunities are truly endless! If you know you feel comfortable enough to go to a bar or other place where alcohol is served, order an NA option like a mocktail so you can sip on something without feeling left out or tempted.

• Go at your own pace. It can be tricky to know how quickly or slowly to take things when dating as a sober person. On the one hand, the rush of feel-good chemicals that happens when you’re attracted to someone can make you more inclined to quickly move forward with them. On the other hand, the prospect of substance-free physical and emotional intimacy might be too much to take on while you’re still figuring things out. General advice is to err on the side of caution and take things more slowly; in fact, in many recovery circles it’s advised to wait until you’ve been sober for one full year before dating or getting into a relationship. While this guidance certainly isn’t for everyone, it’s a good reminder to be mindful that you’re not trying to replace the highs of substance use with the highs of crushing on someone.

• Embrace the awkwardness. No matter who you are or what your situation is, dating can be messy, uncomfortable, and vulnerable. These feelings can be even more intense when you’re not numbing or distracting from them with alcohol or other drugs. Instead of trying to avoid the awkwardness, what if you accepted it as just another part of the process? Awkward doesn’t always mean bad- sometimes it just means being human. Sober dating gives you the chance to get to know other people and, more importantly, yourself in new ways.

Get out there, get yourself a Shirley Temple (they are just as delicious as you remember them being!), and show up as your sober, authentic self.