Your Walls Don’t Keep You Safe — They Keep You Alone

Marley Toben
May 5
4 min read

Here’s the scenario:

Your partner shares feedback with you (“my feelings were hurt when…”) or makes a reasonable request (“will you lower your voice so that I can take in what you’re saying?”)

You respond with judgement (“you’re just sensitive…”), defensiveness (“you’re always riding me…”), histrionics (“I guess I must be a horrible monster…”), or stonewalling (ignoring, walking away).

Your justification is that you’re just “expressing yourself,” and you don’t understand why your partner can’t tolerate it. Aren’t you entitled to equal airtime? Shouldn’t it be tit for tat?

The good news is that you’re right!

Sort of…

You’re right to claim that your upset isn’t the problem!

But, unfortunately, weaponizing your upset is.

Let’s be honest:

Most of us don’t want to hurt the people we love.

But when we ourselves are hurt or disappointed?

Oh man, it’s tempting. Sometimes we can convince ourselves that hurting them back is the only way they’ll finally understand how they made us feel.

You didn’t show up for me? Fine. Here’s a side order of guilt and a 32oz cup of slow emotional shutdown for you to wash it down with. Enjoy!

(Cue you getting even less of what you wanted in the first place.)

Today, I want to get into the difference between emotional expression and emotional attack — and why learning the difference is the key to actually getting more of what you want out of your relationship (instead of slowly poisoning it because your sadness is wearing a bulletproof vest and your anger is wielding a knife).

Let’s break it down:

Emotional Expression =

“Hey, that hurt.”
“I feel disappointed.”
“I’m sad we’re not on the same page.”

It’s vulnerable. It’s clean. It’s honest.

It gives your partner information about where you are internally, without demanding they fix it or forcing them to suffer for it.

Emotional Attack =

“I guess I just can’t count on you.”
[door slam]
[days of sulking in silence]
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t have said no.”

It’s controlling. It’s messy. It’s punishing.

It uses your emotions as weapons to try to force your partner to behave differently, without actually saying what you’re feeling.

Why does it matter?

Because people don’t respond well to being controlled.

Even if you’re “right.”

Even if you think it’s “what they deserve.”

Even if they “should have known better.”

When you use guilt, stonewalling, withdrawal, sarcasm, passive-aggression, or emotional shutdown as a punishment for not getting what you want, you don’t get closeness.

You get distance. You get resentment. You get defensiveness.

You lose.

Every. Damn. Time.

For the Walled-Off, Penalizing Type: Here’s Your Buy-In

If you struggle with vulnerability — if you’ve learned to protect yourself by staying cold, pulling back, or getting mean when you’re hurting — you might be thinking:

“If I just say I’m sad, I’m giving up all my power. I’m going to look pathetic. They’re going to walk all over me.”

In short? Nope.

But also — if you’re being honest — how’s that other strategy working out for you?

Here’s what’s actually true:

Vulnerability is the ultimate power move.

When you express your real feelings cleanly and openly, you:

Invite your partner’s best self to show up.
Increase the odds they’ll actually want to meet your needs — without resentment.
Create a foundation of trust, not fear.
Stay in your own dignity instead of acting like a petty dictator ruling over a kingdom built on sadness and unspoken vulnerabilities.

You get more love.

You get more connection.

You get more real influence — the kind that doesn’t rely on fear, guilt, or shame to work.

At the end of the day, control gets you compliance at best.

Vulnerability gets you real connection.

You just have to ask yourself, “which one do I actually want?”

The Bottom Line

You’re allowed to feel hurt.

You’re allowed to feel sad.

You’re allowed to feel disappointed, scared, lonely, frustrated — all of it.

What matters is what you do with those feelings.

Use them to connect, not to convince.

If you can make this shift — if you can stay real instead of retaliatory — you won’t just become a “better partner.”

You’ll become someone who is skillful and empowered to get more of what you want out of your relationships.

Okay, But How Do You Actually Do This in Real Life?

You’re pissed. Or sad. Or ready to verbally suplex the person you sleep next to.

Instead of going full WWE, practice this instead:

Step 1: Name Your Primary Emotion

Ask yourself: What am I actually feeling underneath the anger or shutdown?

(Hint: it’s usually hurt, disappointed, rejected, or scared.)

Write it down if you have to. Get crystal clear.

Example:

“I’m actually feeling lonely and unimportant.”

Step 2: Breathe Before You Speak

(Seriously. Take a full 5-second breath.)

It stops you from launching missiles and gives your brain a second to re-route toward connection instead of battle.

Step 3: Say the Feeling, Not the Attack

Use a sentence that starts with “I feel…”

(Yes, it sounds cheesy. Do it anyway.)

Example:

“I feel really sad when I’m asking for more support around the house and it feels like a no.”

Notice: No demands. No punishments. No mind-reading. Just information.

Step 4: Stay on Your Side of the Street

Focus only on your own feelings and experience.

No diagnosing them (“you’re selfish”) or catastrophizing (“you never prioritize me”).

Example:

“I know you’re allowed to say no. And it’s hard for me when the load feels so heavy on my side.”

Step 5: Let It Land

After you share, shut up.

No pushing. No following up with three examples.

Just let your partner sit with what you said.

Trust that the honest expression is powerful enough on its own.

If you move from walls and weapons to real-deal vulnerability, you get more of what you actually want:

More softness.
More openness.
More willingness from your partner to meet you halfway.
More real conversations where you actually feel heard and respected instead of dismissed.

You don’t have to give up your strength.

You just have to aim it toward building connection instead of building a fortress.